A new set of real "Links to Think" or Malia's Manifesto

I told you I would feel better! And I do. Give me an hour (and a very large dose of liquid caffeine) and I can pull myself up by my boot straps!

I also did some reminding of what I am, what I want, what I want to see myself as, and see myself doing. Most of you are close friends or family. Some of you are more distant friends, or rather, friends in more distant places. I thought I would share some thoughts that sit deeply on my heart with all of you, though. Web wandering sparked this introspection. And it is good. Everyone needs to be reminded what you are doing and where you are going.

For me, the question of what I wanted to be, where I wanted to go was always certain. The pathway was uncertain, the choices getting me there difficult and nebulous. For me, I have always wanted to help people. That sounds ridiculous and idealistic. Not touching reality. Or it paints me as saintlike. That is obviously not true (said with a ruefully laugh). When I was young this desire manifested as the doctor. I wanted to be the doctor, who cured people. As I grew, so did that desire. I wanted to help people deal with their diseases. The older I grew, the more I understood, the more I saw medicine as therapy rather than cures. I wanted to be the doctor who knew how to treat patients so they would be well, if not cured then working and functioning and able to seek happiness.

I had a great teacher in high school who fed this desire, who encouraged me. He also challenged me on other levels. For some reason, even though I never got straight A's in his class, he also put "has a future in this field" on my report card. Thank you, Mr Heer. When I reached college I wanted to play and have that same future. I wanted a biochemistry and ceramics degree. But somethings derailed me. Mostly me, in retrospect. But even with 20/20 hindsight, I wouldn't change my path here. At least most days.

So I went to France to seek my future, since I thought I had watched my doctoring future go out the window when I gave up on chemistry. Actually, I saw France as second best, me giving up. I am proud of my degree in French, of the things I learned. And I am immensely grateful for the years that I grew up while studying all things French. I am grateful that I have a wider view of the world than just Seattle, that I see more than just those around me. I had always wanted to help others far and wide, but living in France was my first chance to see others far and wide. I think the culture shock was the lack of culture shock, the actual realization that "peoples is peoples" as my father would say. Other cultures may have other values and views, but in the end we are all just people.

As I looked for ways to apply my French degree, I thought of the UN or Medicins sans frontiere or World Vision. I thought of humanitarian aid. But there were many hurdles and I lacked experience in the field and the wherewithal to gain that experience. I am not brilliant and I didn't really want to work for the UN, despite Flora, my friend Mark's mom, who declared that of course I could work there. She had for many, many years. But I really wanted to do medicine, to help the body physically. And so I finally moved beyond the graduation inertia and applied myself to figuring out how to be a nurse. It was an achievable goal, worthy, interesting. My Nana was a nurse.

I became a nursing assistant and was blessed and lucky enough to work for Seattle Children's Hospital, on the Medical unit. I really can't tell you how wonderful that experience was. And how utterly unique. Many of the nurses I worked with there have since moved on to other things. If I were to return, nothing would be the same. Yet I saw there some hilarious and funny and sad things. I saw young nurses learning and a few older nurses dedicatedly working night shift still. And I realized, I wanted to know and learn. I wanted to continue learning through out my career. I wanted to be the person who helps make decisions in crisis and understands and move quickly. I realized I was a medicine adrenaline junkie. Stressful situations focused me, gave me a high. It wasn't that I enjoyed seeing children sick. It was that I enjoyed seeing children turn the corner and get better. I really like seeing how when the system work, parents and children together felt like they were part of the process, in charge and understood, even when things were not going well. I loved the hospital, the experience, the things you learned quickly because they were attached to real patients. I really enjoyed seeing the x-ray of the kid who ate metal, seeing his intestine slowly empty it from him body. Even on my worst day, I saw opportunity for growth in me, learning better for the next situation.

That is why I am here. Because that is who I want to be, I want to see myself as. I want to be a good doctor, who offers understanding to her patients and is able to help them all the more for it. I want to be a person who sees the faults of people and still offers grace. Who helps in the ways she can, and offers that help with no strings attached, with an open mind to realize that my good is not necessarily the best good. I want to change the world in my own small way. I want to change the world in my own big way.

Today I declare to myself, I am the person I thought I would be. I encourage you to be that person also.

I have changed my "Links to Think". It used to be my calendar and pictures. Now it is a new thing to learn. For you and me. Periodically I will attach a new link which addresses something. Today something I didn't know about, something sad. I promise, sometimes they will be funny. I can't help being attracted to the ridiculous and absurd. But they will always be something to further your thinking. Something to wonder, what can I do? Check them out. See what you think. And send me emails. Who do you see yourself as? I am curious.