I did it! Now what do I do.

Guess what? I quit my job yesterday (or at least gave 2 weeks notice). I gave notice on my apartment last month after I wrote my last post and I have to move out by the end of this week. And after a month of searching, I still haven't found the right thing or where to move. It's driving me completely crazy. I mean, completely.

I am moving everything into storage and taking my cat, cat tree and the essentials (the bags get larger and larger everyday) and I am moving into my friend Rebecca's basement. Initially this was fall back should I be unable to find the right place. I can't believe she offered. I am soooo incredibly thankful that this is even an option!

So my living situation isn't settled (but I am not homeless, thank God!) and I accepted a job (official as of yesterday) working as an ophthalmology technician at George Washington University's Medical Faculty Associates. It's the clinics were the med school student go learn and the med school teachers actually see (pun-pun) real patients. Picture your doctor's office but squished into half size rooms and then triple the number of patients in the waiting room. They are expanding the ophthalmology clinics. There are 7 (I think) different clinics within the ophthalmology department for different types of problems.

Can you tell how scattered I feel about my own life? Oddly enough (or not when you consider the psychology of the matter) it is translating into much better focus at work. I am really chopping away and getting stuff pushed out and finished so much faster than usual!

I can't wait! I am going to be broke but I am soooo excited about the work! its going to be completely awesome!

"A wise man will make more opportunity than he finds."

I have had this quote at the top of my blog since I started (how many years ago now!). I saw myself as making the opportunity to go to Georgetown. I didn't realize how much I would come to believe it. How much I would come to believe how much we really DO have power over our circumstances. We set the stage for our own success and failures. And even mediocrity.

Clearly there are many things out of our control. Other people, sickness, the economy to name just few. Bad things do happen to good people. But I keep thinking of that quote I posted a few weeks ago: he who will not economize will agonize. That's me! I am not super good at economizing but I am good at agonizing! I am not set to go broke soon or anything, but I definitely feel like there are days when I buy things I didn't really mean too. Especially when I go back and look at receipts after a few weeks (hindsight being 20/10). Did I really spend $30 going out to eat on a Monday? and that restaurant was lame and carb intensive. Clearly I am not good at economizing with food or money. Hmm.

I guess what I am trying to describe is this: separate from illness and acts of God, if I am unhappy with how my life is going (which I currently am a bit frustrated with since I haven't really done all I could do to pursue my dreams) I need figure out how I am going to change it. Because I am the one who put myself here: in this city, in this job, in this apartment, in this debt, with these friends. Me. I chose it. And God has blessed it (see "with these friends" and "in this apartment" and even "in this city").

Something to think on for me

"Maybe it would be good if med school could marry someone else?"
"Well fortunately or unfortunately for me, med school is polygamous so the hope keeps going."

Not sure what this moment of decision means for me. I am not done with the "healing business." Since it looks increasingly less likely this year will mean med school (still praying hard though), I am looking at fulfilling alternatives to improve my application and make me happier then my current job, even if they pay less monetarily. Unfortunately, I cannot do this without an eye to the checkbook, so any job has to offer enough money for me to eat. And I love eating. I am a poor candidate for the "ramen diet". Now "pancake and crepe diet," I may be able to get behind something along those lines.

Kitchen knives in purses and other stupidities

I have been having a wonderful birthday. I appreciating being 28, a transition between years which is relatively easy, not a completely major adjustment. I am still young (despite the comments of a few irritating co-workers) and have a lot of time ahead to explore.

Mom flew in on Tuesday afternoon just in time for a birthday dinner. I had jokingly told Merissa and Mari I wanted Popeyes for dinner and they went overboard and took me to Nora. I admit a small group fried chicken dinner isn't exactly out of the ordinary, but Restaurant Nora maybe overboard!

For those of you familiar with Merissa's goings-ons, I will say her recent troubles make me realize what brilliant lawyer I could be if I just had the patience and the desire to sacrifice my life to argument. Doing research on a subject quickly (1-2 day period) and doing it every day is another story.

Alright, down to the headline story. Yes, I commited a complete betise and put a kitchen knife in my purse. Merissa gave it to me for my birthday Tuesday night. So when I decided to make this fabulous wild rice salad I wanted to use the new Santoku knife. Mom and I went grocery shopping nuts. Food for the century except focused on perishables (yeah fruit and veggies!). But in line to pay I reach into my purse for my Safeway card, totally forgetting the knife.

I tried to downplay how deep I thought it might be. After all, I was in a Safeway in DC. I didn't exactly want to admit I carried a big kitchen knife in my purse because I am a complete idiot. Nobody freaked out, but I did get tons of free bandaids from the store manager, who now knows who I am and thinks I am a dufus but NOT potentially homicidal (which is good, because that is the best grocery store in DC!). I kept asking the manager, really pleasantly and jokingly, for gauze or something. He kept offering bandaids or alcohol wipes. Finally we managed paper towels.

Another adventure with Malia. Good times.

Declan turned 8

Declan turned 8 today. And for the first time ever (except the actual birthing day) I am not there to celebrate. I hurt with missing my family. My mom would remind me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family to miss. But right now it just hurts.

They never met an awkward social situation they didn't like

Apparently there is "surprise" farewell party for me on Thursday. Unfortunately since I get everyone's calendar invites, it's not so much a surprise. Except, I have only been here for 5 months. And frankly, they couldn't cough up a position that would keep anywhere near the manner to which I am accustomed (ie paying student loans AND eating).

Let you know how it goes. Sounds awkward.

First a bomb scare, then a fire alarm, now regular government irritating jargon

When I arrived at work this morning, I was literally turned away by FPS and the DC Metro Police. There was a bomb scare. I turned it to my favor and I shot up to Target to get a prescription I needed. Finally one entrance of the building was cleared by 10am. Apparently a painter was using a suitcase to carry his brushes and had a cell phone charging next to it, plugged in outside the building. They then used the fire alarm going off for a few minutes to inform us that the "all clear" had been given. Given how jumpy the 2 hour bomb saga made everyone in the building, I think the fire alarm might be a bit much.

It's amazing how much nonsense can be said in a single 20 minute period. Today during a staff meeting with my primary government client, he tried to refer to a big meeting that happened last week and praise everyone for coming together to help make it happen. Unfortunately for him, there was also, what could politely be termed "cat fight" on the same day before the event. Yelling, name calling, and physical intimidation (though the person swears that was not her intent) were all on the menu. Someone even reportedly called the cops (though they didn't show up as far as I know).

I hate it when say things like "look in the mirror" for the problem or "these people have our full support" or we are a"customer-focused" organization. As my wise father once said, "if you need to say it, it probably isn't true." Or in the case of the mirror, I have generally found most problems originate with the person espousing that line, someone who is trying to deflect attention from their own failures by pointing to other people.

But deflecting is something we all do. Like me. Because I am deflecting everyone and myself from focusing on the terrifying fact that I am not in medical school yet. And internally I am deflecting myself from my fear of applying and starting medical school. That I really need to figure myself out. Soon. But don't talk to me about med school yet. Please. It's scary enough without feedback. Trust me, talking about isn't going to make this better. But I am working on it.

Moments when time slows

I need one of those moments. When time slows down. Somehow I have made it "here", wherever here is, and yet I didn't mean to be "here." I think most folks come to some point like this in life. Generally, I think it's called a mid-life crisis. I want life to slow down so I can somehow make decisions.

And yet I am healthy and employed. A depressingly funny quote from Ben Morrell (yeah, high school drama friends) edges things into some perspective.
"L: You have a 1/11mil chance of crashing in a plane
B: I have a 1/25mil chance of getting this type of cancer I have! #FeelingPessamisticRWe"

The speed at which time passes should free me from worry, right? After all, I worried in January about moving and committing to anything when my job was uncertain. I worried about getting into a lease which wouldn't let me move back to Seattle right after I finished Georgetown. Yet I am still here, two+ years later.

Maybe this could be termed existential crisis. Probably not though. I'll let you know.

Taking radical action on health

I am giving up food choice and eating out, for week at least. I officially order this thing called Diet-To-Go. Pre-made meals, fresh ingredients, limited calorie intake. Its an effort to be as healthy (and happy) as I possibly can. There is no reason for me to have a slightly elevated cholesterol or to feel less that happy with my current shape. Especially when it is essentially just a choice to over indulge in food that is getting me in trouble. Plus, this has the added advantage of being cheaper than my current eating out habit (thanks Merissa and Mashari).

So keep me in your prayers and thoughts. I pick up the meals tomorrow afternoon and start with dinner. Should be interesting. And hopefully fun!

Hiding under your desk

Is it bad that I have the reoccuring urge to hide under my desk at work. I am not cut out for this job, despite the fact that most days I am apparently fairly good at it. The entire department works on fire to fire basis. We only work on the most urgent thing, never forward planning. For something to gather enough attention to merit work, it has to be blazing out of control and going badly.

Alright, I admit: I am in a bad mood today but I am not sure how to change the tides to better. Any suggestions?

Did I mention

I applied for med schools. Everything is in. I am really freaked out.

Work battle pay

I believe that work should request an "emotional toll taken" as well as "hours worked." A percentage increase would be added for especially ridiculous days, where you stay at work even though any sane person would quit on the spot. Maybe that is the problem: to work you have to take a certain level of abuse that we should be free to walk away from. Maybe loving your job mitigates the treatment. Maybe there is hope for work. I don't have much of it today.

Thankful for Oscar and for Mischief

As some of you know, on Thanksgiving day we had to put Oscar down. Just thinking about it still makes me cry. But I am glad I was able to spend a day working for the floor at home and snuggling with Oscar on Wednesday. Mischief quickly put Nani in her place and made herself comfortable. But she didn't seem to mind my Oscar dog and they even stayed snuggling with me seperately on my bed for a while. Unfortunately Oscar was pretty fragile already from what we suspect was cancer in his liver.  When he hurt his hip on Thankgiving there wasn't much that we could do for him that would be not too painful. He was a wonderful dog and will always be my favorite first dog ever. I am really greatful to have Mischief to snuggle with when missing Oscar gets too bad. 

Work: Day 2

The day started strong with meetings almost back to back. I got to see the site of our biggest current project and my client got to show me all the cool things he has been working on. It definitely came home to me today that I came as the sky was falling at the office, in terms of all the things going on. Luckily my work crew is really good overall, but everything going on is crazy. By the end of the day, however, I was pretty exhausted. Like all my coping skills and perspective got thrown out the window.

On the home front, Oscar, my Oscar has been feeling a little punk. Merissa was supposed to take him the vet today, but I am not sure how that went. Though I realize that part of me should be prepared to lose him at his age, I know I never will be. With Mom busy, there is definitely some stress of things to worry about.

On a humorous note, everyone joked about me stepping in at a difficult time. One person even joked that I may be secretly considering calling an old boss and polishing my resume. When I told Allison, my boss, jokingly about it and she was ready to go hunt them down and take them on. She was seriously (though amusingly) peeved.

Good news, bad news. Ain't that always the way.

I was suprisingly awake at 8am this morning to the tune of WAMU (the local NPR). This alarm goes off every morning but n0t all mornings does it actually wake me. Normally bad news increases the likelihood of me waking: Huge drops in the stock market; trillion dollar government bailout packages; DC rep's worrying about DC violence and gun laws. This morning it was just the usual. Or at least usual for lately. Bad economic news, etc. I get the economy in the morning with a little political coverage (I normally turn it off then) and the presidential race in the evenings with Samantha and MSNBC. As much as I appreciate the humor most of the time, I will be very ready for a good candidate to be picked and move on from the election to good, well thought out reforms. 

At just a little after 9 though, I got excellent news for my own personal economy. I have been cleared to start my job. So at the latest I will start Monday, maybe earlier. Though this is excellent news for my bank account and personal economy, its really bad news for my plans to do nothing for days on end. . . In all seriousness I am looking forward to occupying my mind on more than just waiting for a kitty and improving my French skills.

Kitty ahead

I have been officially ok'ed to own a kitty by the Homeward Trails Animal rescue people, local animal fostering/adoption organization. To cut down on overall costs of maintaining animals longer than county shelters that are forced to euthanize, they have many people foster the animals in there own home. I think it is really cool way to make sure that animals are able to live long enough to find good adoption homes. Some take longer than others. How cool is that?

Anyway, I was interested in two kitties, both of which seemed beautiful and easy. Someone (kittywise) that would transition into my home easily and not mind being taken to Mom and Dad's for long vacations around Christmas, one who would enjoy the dogs! Unfortunately both have their little drawbacks, and one is getting somethings worked out. Which is best for me even though I don't want to wait at all. Its been close to a month since I started the process and my "adoption coordinator" and I talked tonight, she apologized. Normally it doesn't take this long. As much as I want Tammy (hopefully my kitty) tomorrow, I know its better that I have actually started my job (or have a real start date). Pray for both. I need to make money for bills.

Wednesdays possible

There is a distinct possibility that I will get to follow around a pediatric gastro-enterology doctor at Georgetown Hospital. I am super excited since that is the exact field that I am thinking of entering (at least this month). Cross your fingers and pray that this will work out long term with my job. Which has not materialized yet. Still waiting for the department of Homeland Security (hereafter known as "the man" or DHS) to get on the ball and determine that I am not : A) dead, B) a major felon, C) linked to the international network of unsavory people. Needless to say, this is a tremendous undertaking considering my super sketchy past (haha). Pray that this moves a little more swiftly. I would like to pay next months rent.

On a distinctly fabulous note, today I bought the America's Test Kitchen Family Baking Cookbook. I am very excited, even though some of the recipes are repeats of the ones in my other complete family cookbook. I can thoroughly recommend the original (its red). It is the best replacement to Betty Crocker's or Better Homes and Garden's ever found. Every recipe is a guaranteed hit and even has pictures and complete explanations that go from simple to extensive, great for the experienced or the never initiated cook. I can't recommend this enough.

Pamela and I's good day

With some mild unrest later in the evening. Not to be entered into here. Just trying to settle it all out. My stomach, my mind, my political opinions, my relationships. Whenever there is a small question it opens up a large questions on every topic in my mind. Why can't I just stop thinking sometimes. . . .

And for those of you in my life who have belabored and abhored my indecisiveness, today I was give example that I may have become too decisive, in the not best way. I really wanted to paint the walls of my apartment. As luck would have it there are now complete samples of colors from different selection which allow you to try out and buy without completely sinking money into it. I tried it on my bedroom wall. The pleasant calming green with gray hint which I had hope to convince Samantha to use through out the apartment is now a disgusting seafoam on my wall where nothing else resides. As soon as it dries I will be covering it with a poster. And later another attempt at paint, possibly in a nice neutral tone . .  . like cream.

I promise to post my pictures from forever ago and today. Just seems to take some work. And its closing in on 1 am. So I ought to probably sleep now.

Tomorrow mornings MCAT

I took a practice one today. It went so well that I don't trust the results at all. More practice tests I take, the more I am beginning to believe that there is an element of luck this test. My results have varied between a range of 9 points and while all were good numbers, how can you trust a standardized test that varies that much with the exact same test taker?

Pray and cross your fingers tomorrow. Whatever you happen to believe it, I will take it all. The only thing I can count on about tomorrow's outcome is that at least the whole thing will be over.

Ah, a simpler life

I long for it. Oh well. More to do, less decisions. Haha, I want to be a doctor? you say. Well, I just hate facing choosing work decisions. I can do the other. Oh well.