Opportunities, another job, and an earthquake

Reality of the pay cut came due on Friday when I saw how much I actually make after taxes. Its dismal. So I must find another job. People with offers and ideas gladly entertained. I am still living with my wonderful friends Rebecca and Steve so the hard knock of rent and hunger are a long way off. But this isn't a permanent solution by any means. They need their basement and their pantry back and I need to stop feeling like a little kid living off her "parents"/friends. The feeling comes internally, not externally at all. Both Rebecca and Steve have been wonderful and welcoming. But gifts, even those generously given, shouldn't be presumed upon.

You know its funny. There was an earthquake yesterday. For most it was literally and figuratively earth shaking. It made a mess at R&S's. Some decorative plates fell and shattered, bookshelves upstairs were rocked. It looked as though a particularly angry and messy burgler had visited. Frankly though, it was not that bad at all. In fact it didn't rattle me as much as realizing I still need to move forward and the change in work wasn't a magical key to unlock my type A personality.

Still looking though. Wishful thinking, but I hold out hope.

I am so tired. Big surprise.

The GOOD: So I started my new job at the GW MFA (medical faculty associates). I am almost at the end of week 2 and I have already learned soo much. I feel like my brain is working again, questing for new knowledge on a regular basis, trying to place all of the pieces in the right order. Ophthomalogy is a whole new ball game from pediatrics.
The BAD: I got official word yesterday that my "waitlist" status is now "thank you but no thank you" status from the med school. I guess there was still part of me that was hoping, even if the conscious part of me was resigned.
The "why am I being mean to myself?": I have regular prescription that I have been out of since Friday and I am starting to feel crappy without. Why do I do that?! Luckily my new insurance which officially started on 8/1 (but I can't claim anything with it yet because I am not able to complete a benefits election yet) prioritizes the pharmacy downstairs! And my primary care physician will be in this building. It should be really easy to get my medicine this coming month. I hope.

Let you know more as it goes. I am actually still at work trying to be involved except we do not have any patients (the attendings are off this afternoon). I do still have piles to learn.

"A wise man will make more opportunity than he finds."

I have had this quote at the top of my blog since I started (how many years ago now!). I saw myself as making the opportunity to go to Georgetown. I didn't realize how much I would come to believe it. How much I would come to believe how much we really DO have power over our circumstances. We set the stage for our own success and failures. And even mediocrity.

Clearly there are many things out of our control. Other people, sickness, the economy to name just few. Bad things do happen to good people. But I keep thinking of that quote I posted a few weeks ago: he who will not economize will agonize. That's me! I am not super good at economizing but I am good at agonizing! I am not set to go broke soon or anything, but I definitely feel like there are days when I buy things I didn't really mean too. Especially when I go back and look at receipts after a few weeks (hindsight being 20/10). Did I really spend $30 going out to eat on a Monday? and that restaurant was lame and carb intensive. Clearly I am not good at economizing with food or money. Hmm.

I guess what I am trying to describe is this: separate from illness and acts of God, if I am unhappy with how my life is going (which I currently am a bit frustrated with since I haven't really done all I could do to pursue my dreams) I need figure out how I am going to change it. Because I am the one who put myself here: in this city, in this job, in this apartment, in this debt, with these friends. Me. I chose it. And God has blessed it (see "with these friends" and "in this apartment" and even "in this city").

Something to think on for me

"Maybe it would be good if med school could marry someone else?"
"Well fortunately or unfortunately for me, med school is polygamous so the hope keeps going."

Not sure what this moment of decision means for me. I am not done with the "healing business." Since it looks increasingly less likely this year will mean med school (still praying hard though), I am looking at fulfilling alternatives to improve my application and make me happier then my current job, even if they pay less monetarily. Unfortunately, I cannot do this without an eye to the checkbook, so any job has to offer enough money for me to eat. And I love eating. I am a poor candidate for the "ramen diet". Now "pancake and crepe diet," I may be able to get behind something along those lines.

Its like a plane ticket on standby at Christmas

Likelihood is just not so good.

A new look: in honor of Spring, cherry blossoms, and my birthday

Today it was time for a fresher look. For the blog. Also kinda thinking for me too. My hair desperately needs a cut.

All of that is external. And frankly small potatoes. I find out about school soon (hopefully Friday, more likely early next week). I have mostly given up pretending: I do have my whole heart desperately wishing for this opportunity. I have learned, slowly but surely, that padding myself from disappointment by never being emotionally engaged doesn't help save me hurt in life. It just always hurts. Because I am always disappointing myself by not reaching for the things I want. Not little want. Like seriously dreamed about my whole entire life. You know, being a medical doctor. Being disengaged emotionally is a valuable skill when used judiciously, but similar to chocolate, after a while it will just kill off your heart.

I hate "middles". Have I mentioned that before? It bears repeating. I hate that fact that a high functioning life (emotionally and physicially) is always about finding middle ground. Between cravings for sugars, for attention, for shopping sprees, for vacation, fulfillment of immediate desires versus long term gain.

I am working to love middles. Working being the key to that sentence.

Follow up to New Year's resolutions disclosures= med school interview

Ok, so I actually got an interview for med school. Virginia Tech Carilion. Its a new school (only 1 class so far) but it is provisionally accredited. I interviewed this weekend and I really, really like the faculty and the students. One of the charter class is even from UW and lived across the street from me in the 17th ave guys house (Christian guys house across the street) and graduated a year after me. How exceptionally funny is that! I know this still a long shot. But I keep hoping it is less of a long shot than I think. For all of you supporters, you have serious confidence in my awesomeness which isn't completely borne out it my application.

When I received the first rejection from GW (they interviewed 1,000 people, can you imagine?that is just insane!) I started to think that it was time to pull it together. So I started an MS project schedule of reapplying for this coming year. I think I need to pull it out and get it started. So that if I get in, good; if I don't, life won't end. After actually visiting Roanoke and the school, its really hard not to be very attached the idea of actually starting in August. I feel like the school is a really good fit for me (if not perfect). Lots of places to come up with new ideas and really cool learning style and even solid opportunities at the affiliated hospital (its a level 1 trauma center with 15 residencies). I know that I would not be the first one who has reapply for a couple of years. I just wish I could be one of the ones' who don't have to.

I am seriously thinking of making some changes though if I am not accepted on the first cut. It might be time to be drastic in my life realignment. Time to get started doing something I love.

New Year's Resolutions and Life Round Up

So . . . I have not been super forthcoming to my blog readers. You've had to catch me in person to find the big news in my life: I have submitted some last minute (really last minute) applications to med schools. All East Coast schools (sorry, they had later deadlines!). I haven't wanted to talk about because I had the feeling like talking about it would jinx it. Plus I have a serious inferiority complex about med school and being an MD. I feel driven to be in the field but seriously less than everyone else who could (and does) apply each year. I haven't: worked in lab; inoculated children anywhere; received 3.7 GPA in the sciences. What I am hoping is that I would prove different enough, or at least interesting enough, to let into school.

My phrase for this season? Hail Mary (as in pass, from football?). I have said it so many times I am completely irritated with myself. I need to integrate some new sports terminology.

But I have gone further this year, inspite of the lateness. I have actually submitted secondary applications to two schools and am on track for two more, which I did not do the previous season. My chances are really small (I can't emphasize that enough). But for all the hedging I am doing I am still hopeful. Really hopeful. Completely NOT commensurate with my actual chances hopeful.

So my resolutions for this year, not surprisingly, have to do with med school and my job.

1) By January 1 next year I will be working in the medical field. Period. Either full or part time or in school working toward the same. End of story. I will be doing something that matters toward who I want to be and where I want to be. Everyone (myself included) will be happier when that happens.

2) By January 1 next year I will be either in medical school (totally off chance, but here's hoping) or completely done with secondary applications.
a) If I have to apply again next year, I will need to retake the MCAT (most schools won't take my score from tests more than 2 years old)

Needless to say, I need to get on the ball.

Seattle here I come . . .er Thursday

I am so excited, I feel like I am rumbling from the bottom up (That may be my upset stomach from three cups of coffee though. Damn the free office coffee!). I am freaked out about money (Christmas and travel are never just the cost of the ticket) but I soooo pleased that I will be able to see my friends and family soon. I have never been away from "homebase" for so long. It's been an entire year since I last touched Washington (State of) soil. And while I have become accustomed and happy here in DC, there is a large part of my heart (Declan, Mary Alyce, Riah, Jerusha, Robin (and Lorie Mae), Hillary, Danielle, Mary and Marc, Aunt Janet, the list continues . . .) is bound to Seattle peoples. I am missing milestones, birthdays, first steps, first games. And all the non-milestones, the reading to kiddo at night, being available when a helping hand makes the difference. I am missing all of that too.

I am not moving back. I wish I could say I have a plan that makes that even remotely a possibility. Job economy being what it is, I don't forsee changes in the future. The only change even close will be school (keep me in thoughts and prayers; turn circles under the moon if you think that will help). Unless something alters, it won't be Seattle school even.

I have been lucky and blessed to be able to see my parents this year, even without going to Seattle. And Hillary! (I figure eventually even Dad will be forced to come visit me in DC if I have to stay long enough).

I guess what I am saying is: Life may be different; I can't make moving to Seattle a priority right now. But I am awfully glad to have loved ones like you (you know who you are) even when you are far away.

And in two days, most of you will be a heck of a lot closer!!

First a bomb scare, then a fire alarm, now regular government irritating jargon

When I arrived at work this morning, I was literally turned away by FPS and the DC Metro Police. There was a bomb scare. I turned it to my favor and I shot up to Target to get a prescription I needed. Finally one entrance of the building was cleared by 10am. Apparently a painter was using a suitcase to carry his brushes and had a cell phone charging next to it, plugged in outside the building. They then used the fire alarm going off for a few minutes to inform us that the "all clear" had been given. Given how jumpy the 2 hour bomb saga made everyone in the building, I think the fire alarm might be a bit much.

It's amazing how much nonsense can be said in a single 20 minute period. Today during a staff meeting with my primary government client, he tried to refer to a big meeting that happened last week and praise everyone for coming together to help make it happen. Unfortunately for him, there was also, what could politely be termed "cat fight" on the same day before the event. Yelling, name calling, and physical intimidation (though the person swears that was not her intent) were all on the menu. Someone even reportedly called the cops (though they didn't show up as far as I know).

I hate it when say things like "look in the mirror" for the problem or "these people have our full support" or we are a"customer-focused" organization. As my wise father once said, "if you need to say it, it probably isn't true." Or in the case of the mirror, I have generally found most problems originate with the person espousing that line, someone who is trying to deflect attention from their own failures by pointing to other people.

But deflecting is something we all do. Like me. Because I am deflecting everyone and myself from focusing on the terrifying fact that I am not in medical school yet. And internally I am deflecting myself from my fear of applying and starting medical school. That I really need to figure myself out. Soon. But don't talk to me about med school yet. Please. It's scary enough without feedback. Trust me, talking about isn't going to make this better. But I am working on it.

Duke sent a 2nd app

I got my first secondary for med school!!

Hurrah!

Did I mention

I applied for med schools. Everything is in. I am really freaked out.