I am so tired. Big surprise.

The GOOD: So I started my new job at the GW MFA (medical faculty associates). I am almost at the end of week 2 and I have already learned soo much. I feel like my brain is working again, questing for new knowledge on a regular basis, trying to place all of the pieces in the right order. Ophthomalogy is a whole new ball game from pediatrics.
The BAD: I got official word yesterday that my "waitlist" status is now "thank you but no thank you" status from the med school. I guess there was still part of me that was hoping, even if the conscious part of me was resigned.
The "why am I being mean to myself?": I have regular prescription that I have been out of since Friday and I am starting to feel crappy without. Why do I do that?! Luckily my new insurance which officially started on 8/1 (but I can't claim anything with it yet because I am not able to complete a benefits election yet) prioritizes the pharmacy downstairs! And my primary care physician will be in this building. It should be really easy to get my medicine this coming month. I hope.

Let you know more as it goes. I am actually still at work trying to be involved except we do not have any patients (the attendings are off this afternoon). I do still have piles to learn.

I did it! Now what do I do.

Guess what? I quit my job yesterday (or at least gave 2 weeks notice). I gave notice on my apartment last month after I wrote my last post and I have to move out by the end of this week. And after a month of searching, I still haven't found the right thing or where to move. It's driving me completely crazy. I mean, completely.

I am moving everything into storage and taking my cat, cat tree and the essentials (the bags get larger and larger everyday) and I am moving into my friend Rebecca's basement. Initially this was fall back should I be unable to find the right place. I can't believe she offered. I am soooo incredibly thankful that this is even an option!

So my living situation isn't settled (but I am not homeless, thank God!) and I accepted a job (official as of yesterday) working as an ophthalmology technician at George Washington University's Medical Faculty Associates. It's the clinics were the med school student go learn and the med school teachers actually see (pun-pun) real patients. Picture your doctor's office but squished into half size rooms and then triple the number of patients in the waiting room. They are expanding the ophthalmology clinics. There are 7 (I think) different clinics within the ophthalmology department for different types of problems.

Can you tell how scattered I feel about my own life? Oddly enough (or not when you consider the psychology of the matter) it is translating into much better focus at work. I am really chopping away and getting stuff pushed out and finished so much faster than usual!

I can't wait! I am going to be broke but I am soooo excited about the work! its going to be completely awesome!

its going to be a long couple of days

Merissa is moving, work is in turmoil, I have meetings in weird locations (Rockville without a car sounds like a good time, doesn't it?). Frankly, I am just tired and hoping that wonderful solution I can settle comfortably into appears on the horizon. But frankly, I have prayed and worked for these changes. How can I possibly complain when the change finally happens. So what if I need a cheaper place to live! Seriously, jobs pretty much thrown in my lap and I am complaining because the one I want doesn't pay enough but has lots of potential? Shut up, Malia, and get on with finding a roommate. There is SOOO much more of life to live.

"A wise man will make more opportunity than he finds."

I have had this quote at the top of my blog since I started (how many years ago now!). I saw myself as making the opportunity to go to Georgetown. I didn't realize how much I would come to believe it. How much I would come to believe how much we really DO have power over our circumstances. We set the stage for our own success and failures. And even mediocrity.

Clearly there are many things out of our control. Other people, sickness, the economy to name just few. Bad things do happen to good people. But I keep thinking of that quote I posted a few weeks ago: he who will not economize will agonize. That's me! I am not super good at economizing but I am good at agonizing! I am not set to go broke soon or anything, but I definitely feel like there are days when I buy things I didn't really mean too. Especially when I go back and look at receipts after a few weeks (hindsight being 20/10). Did I really spend $30 going out to eat on a Monday? and that restaurant was lame and carb intensive. Clearly I am not good at economizing with food or money. Hmm.

I guess what I am trying to describe is this: separate from illness and acts of God, if I am unhappy with how my life is going (which I currently am a bit frustrated with since I haven't really done all I could do to pursue my dreams) I need figure out how I am going to change it. Because I am the one who put myself here: in this city, in this job, in this apartment, in this debt, with these friends. Me. I chose it. And God has blessed it (see "with these friends" and "in this apartment" and even "in this city").

When a "holding pattern" is going on 3, it's time to find out why and change the pattern

After another round of evaluations of myself and some pointed comments from friends, I stick to my MD asperations. I was playing with the idea of a Psy.D. (a professional doctoral degree in psychology) because I love psychology. It is fascinating. I mean, who reads stuff like that for fun? Umm . . . .me.
I have to be honest and say, I am still not sure why the MD is stuck. Frankly there are other professions I might be better suited for, actually have more aptitude for. Maybe it is the little kid not letting go of an idea or still trying to prove everyone and myself wrong about not being "built" (personality suited and naturally talented) for the job.
We will see (me included in that "we").

Something to think on for me

"Maybe it would be good if med school could marry someone else?"
"Well fortunately or unfortunately for me, med school is polygamous so the hope keeps going."

Not sure what this moment of decision means for me. I am not done with the "healing business." Since it looks increasingly less likely this year will mean med school (still praying hard though), I am looking at fulfilling alternatives to improve my application and make me happier then my current job, even if they pay less monetarily. Unfortunately, I cannot do this without an eye to the checkbook, so any job has to offer enough money for me to eat. And I love eating. I am a poor candidate for the "ramen diet". Now "pancake and crepe diet," I may be able to get behind something along those lines.

A new look: in honor of Spring, cherry blossoms, and my birthday

Today it was time for a fresher look. For the blog. Also kinda thinking for me too. My hair desperately needs a cut.

All of that is external. And frankly small potatoes. I find out about school soon (hopefully Friday, more likely early next week). I have mostly given up pretending: I do have my whole heart desperately wishing for this opportunity. I have learned, slowly but surely, that padding myself from disappointment by never being emotionally engaged doesn't help save me hurt in life. It just always hurts. Because I am always disappointing myself by not reaching for the things I want. Not little want. Like seriously dreamed about my whole entire life. You know, being a medical doctor. Being disengaged emotionally is a valuable skill when used judiciously, but similar to chocolate, after a while it will just kill off your heart.

I hate "middles". Have I mentioned that before? It bears repeating. I hate that fact that a high functioning life (emotionally and physicially) is always about finding middle ground. Between cravings for sugars, for attention, for shopping sprees, for vacation, fulfillment of immediate desires versus long term gain.

I am working to love middles. Working being the key to that sentence.

Follow up to New Year's resolutions disclosures= med school interview

Ok, so I actually got an interview for med school. Virginia Tech Carilion. Its a new school (only 1 class so far) but it is provisionally accredited. I interviewed this weekend and I really, really like the faculty and the students. One of the charter class is even from UW and lived across the street from me in the 17th ave guys house (Christian guys house across the street) and graduated a year after me. How exceptionally funny is that! I know this still a long shot. But I keep hoping it is less of a long shot than I think. For all of you supporters, you have serious confidence in my awesomeness which isn't completely borne out it my application.

When I received the first rejection from GW (they interviewed 1,000 people, can you imagine?that is just insane!) I started to think that it was time to pull it together. So I started an MS project schedule of reapplying for this coming year. I think I need to pull it out and get it started. So that if I get in, good; if I don't, life won't end. After actually visiting Roanoke and the school, its really hard not to be very attached the idea of actually starting in August. I feel like the school is a really good fit for me (if not perfect). Lots of places to come up with new ideas and really cool learning style and even solid opportunities at the affiliated hospital (its a level 1 trauma center with 15 residencies). I know that I would not be the first one who has reapply for a couple of years. I just wish I could be one of the ones' who don't have to.

I am seriously thinking of making some changes though if I am not accepted on the first cut. It might be time to be drastic in my life realignment. Time to get started doing something I love.

So what if you rock like it Leisel Von Trapp, you still rock it

My confidence in choosing my own clothes is now based on that statement (at least a little). I think my style is (hopefully) J. Crew meets Anthropology (on a Marshall's budget). I just can't pull off trying to be Urban Outfitters, Abercrombie, or any variation had that has me in uncomfortable shoes or multi-patterned/shockingly bright clothing for too long.

From the Washington monument.

Catching up in pictures doesn't give much info or background. Unfortunately, my friends, I have fallen off the blogger bandwagon. Somewhere along the line the things I wanted to really write about became too close to share, to important or uncomfortable to expose. Uncovering depths I didn't know were there is an . . . interesting? (painful? healthful? helpful?) process. My wellspring of pitter-patter chatter seems to have run a little dry.

It doesn't hurt that I think of my everyday life as boring: feed the cat, go to work, eat lunch, come home, feed the cat, do housework, do bills, watch TV, go to bed. Start all over again.

But some days are good. Like this day where we all (Merissa, Jesse, Mashari, and her Mom) all went up in the Washington Monument. It was soo much fun.

Be Denmark: Lower your expectations

According to recent research (thank you NPR), the secret of happiness is an income of ~$70,000/year and low expectations.

Does this make anyone else depressed?

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/08/world/europe/08iht-danes.4140472.html

Although, I do think maybe its good. Do good. Do your best. Be surprised and pleased even with small good.

Day 2- My first great love (in great detail)

You thought I forgot this little exercise. Well, I didn't !

My first great love. Honestly, I hope it hasn't happened yet. My love life has been distinctly anticlimactic. My friends have fallen in and out of love with apparent easy, I hold romantic relationships and guys not "safe" at some distance (safe= gay, attached, or completely not right/unavailable). I am getting better as I get older, as my recent forays into the DC meat market can tell. And I see a bit more success. But still nothing that makes me lose my tight, fist-clenching grip on common sense and cynicism.

My first "love" (it was 6th grade and doesn't really deserve the word, but oh well). Ryan. Ironically blonde and blue eyed. I still "accidentally" date that type, even though I prefer a darker look. He was shyish, but popular. Lots of girls wanted to "go out" with him. I think we actually ended up at some social event "together" (parents preparing for an auction or something to that nature).

My first boyfriend came at the same time. While my love "went out" with someone else, I agreed to go out with Rob. He was kinda cute dorky, brown hair. Eager to please. When he asked me out several days in a row he offered to "change however you want." Cuz that's a brilliant dating philosophy. He is probably completely darling now. We date for the length of two recesses during a single day. Then I backed out because I felt so bad that wasn't interested in him really at all. I just wanted to be part of the cool kid crowd who all had boyfriends.

I am glad I am not in 6th grade anymore.

Self-editing, truth and graciousness in discourse

"if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Yes, its good advice in a difficult situations. My mom generally didn't say that to me a lot, but she did say it. As I learn more about myself, as I grow up and explore my and hopefully end some of my more irritating and debilitating hang-ups, I wonder: am I say truth and giving honesty when its right, even when its not nice? Especially to myself. Denying feels doesn't end them. Feelings don't have to be fair to be real, to be felt, to effect decisions.

So I will work to be honest with myself. And kind in my speech. Except when it is right (I pray) to speak truth in love.

And here I will end. Because I am self-editing.

Declan turned 8

Declan turned 8 today. And for the first time ever (except the actual birthing day) I am not there to celebrate. I hurt with missing my family. My mom would remind me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful family to miss. But right now it just hurts.

That moment when you realize you grew up

Somewhere along the way, apparently I grew up just a little. Funny that it has taken until 27 and I am still not where I planned to be. However, by and large, I am happier and more emotionally healthy than I have ever been. I had to give presentations at work and they went really well. I got a lot of good feedback and I will be doing more of the same type over the next couple of weeks. Just remembering my fears of unknown situations, unknown people, and public speaking I am amazed. I still instinctively shy away from unknown situations, parties where I won't know more than one person or where I will be too much on display. Let's face it, very few people are truly comfortable or blossom in those situations (more power to you extroverts!). But I have survived several uncomfortable encounters lately with no scars or major traumas.

People who haven't know me long actually laugh at me when I say I am shy. Mostly because my shorter term acquaintances are work-related. In the workplace I have a purpose and am confident; I am a value-add (don't you love the irritating business language use?). I am under-employed at work and I am fully aware of that fact.

I am back to being uncertain about my long term work outlook. The government has decided to in-source to positions currently being filled by my contracting company. I am not sure yet what I will do, whether I will try for a government position and a pay cut, or hold out for another contracting position which may only last for a few months. A Democratic Administration is not the time to be relying on a plethora of contracting jobs popping up. I am hopeful that something will come along suited to my personality, long-term goals, and talents. Or rather, I remain hopeful. I have been waiting for a while. :)

One more note on health

I worked out again today. I am slowly working up with more calories burned, harder settings and longer "runs" (currently using the elliptical since my running shoes suck). It felt good and it helps make me feel more awake and "with-it" in the morning. HOWEVER I ate cream sauce and pasta for lunch. The truth is that I want to be able to eat without thinking and just burn it off. I know its not that easy. I refuse to commit my life to working out for long spans each day. I am working up to 45 minutes (from a current 30) but anything more than an hour and I start to feel all that time I could be doing other things: Like eating with Merissa, Mashari, Samantha and Janet. Ok, I get it, eating is what got me to my "gently rounded" size right now.

The doctor didn't say I was fat. She did tell me my BMI was edging into overweight (ok, the "edging" language is mine) and that my good cholesterol was low and the bad was up. So I am determined to return to a previous version; the end Children's-Hospital-Malia size. Healthier. I am already getting happier than I may have ever been. Time to bring all the elements together. After I eat something disgustingly fantastic and buttery for dinner.

I didn't plan to be here, but that's ok

I didn't plan to still be in DC. I planned to be happily returned home to Seattle by now. Except now its more than just me in the US location with licenses plates "Taxation Without Representation." I joined Hope and Terry and Payton and Hailey. My friend from UW, Samantha, moved down from New York. Now Merissa has moved out and so has her best friend Mashari. Suddenly I am surrounded with family and friends. And I have wonderful friends from work: Rebecca and Kristen. God has truly taken away my loneliness for friends that I felt so deeply last winter.

And so I find myself actually living in DC. And apparently staying for while. School ... there are lots of questions there. In a week from Tuesday I will be starting with a new contract, a new client, doing something hopefully a little more interesting and challenging. Still a contractor for the federal government supporting Immigration Customs Enforcement. How completely odd to say that! It has been a learning experience. I hope (I believe) my patience and understanding has increased.

I don't know where I will be in 10 years (I hope I will be doing something I love). It is nice to feel that I may actually be where I am supposed to be for while. For me this is a huge step forward.

Work battle pay

I believe that work should request an "emotional toll taken" as well as "hours worked." A percentage increase would be added for especially ridiculous days, where you stay at work even though any sane person would quit on the spot. Maybe that is the problem: to work you have to take a certain level of abuse that we should be free to walk away from. Maybe loving your job mitigates the treatment. Maybe there is hope for work. I don't have much of it today.

Another word of wisdom

Never talk yourself into thinking that you will feel better the next day after a semi-fall off a . . . well, pretty much anything. You will feel much, much worse by tomorrow. And frankly, maybe even worse the following day. Putting on clothes will beginning to be a major event, one which you should prep for by taking ibuprofen.

Any also, let me say, that although falling in a bush from a bike while talking on a cell phone maybe damaging to the ego, it leaves significantly fewer effects in the form of bruises, abrasions, scratches or embedded dirt on the palm of your hands.

A cane is on my birthday wishlist

Somehow 25 seems like an actual adult. As the my birthday approaches, and despite the fact that I am doing what I believe I need to be doing, I worry and fret. I am a student, unemployed, and most emphatically single. Apparently my desire to adopt is good. By the time I get around to having a family, it might be my only option. A wise person takes stock often and gently, evaluating and allowing for growth and different time frames, individualistic traits. I guess I always figured I would have things a bit more together now. Maybe I would finally feel truly confident about being an adult. Am I not just a kid playing grownup?