She's ALIVE ........

So I realize I have been hiding out from the world, and my own blog. It's hard to blog when you feel a little lost/scared about what major changes you are making. ie quitting your job, taking a pay cut, pursuing a crazy dream when you are almost 30 and belong doing "real thing" and digging out of school debt already. But since anyone who knows me for any length of time can tell me, sometimes I just can't let go of an idea. And while I am no beauty off the starting block, I am determined and relentless on occasion. And my dream of being an doctor is one of those occasions. Sooo. . . med school, years in the ambivalent pursuit mode, now full scale war . . . I hope.

My running fiend

Can we see track in this kid's future? 7 miles and he didn't break a sweat according to his mom. Go Declan!

I'm the only person I know who could lose $20 within the time I crossed the street by placing it in my own pocket.

Opportunities, another job, and an earthquake

Reality of the pay cut came due on Friday when I saw how much I actually make after taxes. Its dismal. So I must find another job. People with offers and ideas gladly entertained. I am still living with my wonderful friends Rebecca and Steve so the hard knock of rent and hunger are a long way off. But this isn't a permanent solution by any means. They need their basement and their pantry back and I need to stop feeling like a little kid living off her "parents"/friends. The feeling comes internally, not externally at all. Both Rebecca and Steve have been wonderful and welcoming. But gifts, even those generously given, shouldn't be presumed upon.

You know its funny. There was an earthquake yesterday. For most it was literally and figuratively earth shaking. It made a mess at R&S's. Some decorative plates fell and shattered, bookshelves upstairs were rocked. It looked as though a particularly angry and messy burgler had visited. Frankly though, it was not that bad at all. In fact it didn't rattle me as much as realizing I still need to move forward and the change in work wasn't a magical key to unlock my type A personality.

Still looking though. Wishful thinking, but I hold out hope.

I am so tired. Big surprise.

The GOOD: So I started my new job at the GW MFA (medical faculty associates). I am almost at the end of week 2 and I have already learned soo much. I feel like my brain is working again, questing for new knowledge on a regular basis, trying to place all of the pieces in the right order. Ophthomalogy is a whole new ball game from pediatrics.
The BAD: I got official word yesterday that my "waitlist" status is now "thank you but no thank you" status from the med school. I guess there was still part of me that was hoping, even if the conscious part of me was resigned.
The "why am I being mean to myself?": I have regular prescription that I have been out of since Friday and I am starting to feel crappy without. Why do I do that?! Luckily my new insurance which officially started on 8/1 (but I can't claim anything with it yet because I am not able to complete a benefits election yet) prioritizes the pharmacy downstairs! And my primary care physician will be in this building. It should be really easy to get my medicine this coming month. I hope.

Let you know more as it goes. I am actually still at work trying to be involved except we do not have any patients (the attendings are off this afternoon). I do still have piles to learn.

I did it! Now what do I do.

Guess what? I quit my job yesterday (or at least gave 2 weeks notice). I gave notice on my apartment last month after I wrote my last post and I have to move out by the end of this week. And after a month of searching, I still haven't found the right thing or where to move. It's driving me completely crazy. I mean, completely.

I am moving everything into storage and taking my cat, cat tree and the essentials (the bags get larger and larger everyday) and I am moving into my friend Rebecca's basement. Initially this was fall back should I be unable to find the right place. I can't believe she offered. I am soooo incredibly thankful that this is even an option!

So my living situation isn't settled (but I am not homeless, thank God!) and I accepted a job (official as of yesterday) working as an ophthalmology technician at George Washington University's Medical Faculty Associates. It's the clinics were the med school student go learn and the med school teachers actually see (pun-pun) real patients. Picture your doctor's office but squished into half size rooms and then triple the number of patients in the waiting room. They are expanding the ophthalmology clinics. There are 7 (I think) different clinics within the ophthalmology department for different types of problems.

Can you tell how scattered I feel about my own life? Oddly enough (or not when you consider the psychology of the matter) it is translating into much better focus at work. I am really chopping away and getting stuff pushed out and finished so much faster than usual!

I can't wait! I am going to be broke but I am soooo excited about the work! its going to be completely awesome!

its going to be a long couple of days

Merissa is moving, work is in turmoil, I have meetings in weird locations (Rockville without a car sounds like a good time, doesn't it?). Frankly, I am just tired and hoping that wonderful solution I can settle comfortably into appears on the horizon. But frankly, I have prayed and worked for these changes. How can I possibly complain when the change finally happens. So what if I need a cheaper place to live! Seriously, jobs pretty much thrown in my lap and I am complaining because the one I want doesn't pay enough but has lots of potential? Shut up, Malia, and get on with finding a roommate. There is SOOO much more of life to live.

Proud turn of phrase

While your intentions are dark your meaning is clear.

I came up with that on the fly. Kinda of proud of that. Very . . . deep somehow. :)

"A wise man will make more opportunity than he finds."

I have had this quote at the top of my blog since I started (how many years ago now!). I saw myself as making the opportunity to go to Georgetown. I didn't realize how much I would come to believe it. How much I would come to believe how much we really DO have power over our circumstances. We set the stage for our own success and failures. And even mediocrity.

Clearly there are many things out of our control. Other people, sickness, the economy to name just few. Bad things do happen to good people. But I keep thinking of that quote I posted a few weeks ago: he who will not economize will agonize. That's me! I am not super good at economizing but I am good at agonizing! I am not set to go broke soon or anything, but I definitely feel like there are days when I buy things I didn't really mean too. Especially when I go back and look at receipts after a few weeks (hindsight being 20/10). Did I really spend $30 going out to eat on a Monday? and that restaurant was lame and carb intensive. Clearly I am not good at economizing with food or money. Hmm.

I guess what I am trying to describe is this: separate from illness and acts of God, if I am unhappy with how my life is going (which I currently am a bit frustrated with since I haven't really done all I could do to pursue my dreams) I need figure out how I am going to change it. Because I am the one who put myself here: in this city, in this job, in this apartment, in this debt, with these friends. Me. I chose it. And God has blessed it (see "with these friends" and "in this apartment" and even "in this city").

When a "holding pattern" is going on 3, it's time to find out why and change the pattern

After another round of evaluations of myself and some pointed comments from friends, I stick to my MD asperations. I was playing with the idea of a Psy.D. (a professional doctoral degree in psychology) because I love psychology. It is fascinating. I mean, who reads stuff like that for fun? Umm . . . .me.
I have to be honest and say, I am still not sure why the MD is stuck. Frankly there are other professions I might be better suited for, actually have more aptitude for. Maybe it is the little kid not letting go of an idea or still trying to prove everyone and myself wrong about not being "built" (personality suited and naturally talented) for the job.
We will see (me included in that "we").

quotes of wisdom

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do
Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
He who will not economize will have to agonize.

Something to think on for me

"Maybe it would be good if med school could marry someone else?"
"Well fortunately or unfortunately for me, med school is polygamous so the hope keeps going."

Not sure what this moment of decision means for me. I am not done with the "healing business." Since it looks increasingly less likely this year will mean med school (still praying hard though), I am looking at fulfilling alternatives to improve my application and make me happier then my current job, even if they pay less monetarily. Unfortunately, I cannot do this without an eye to the checkbook, so any job has to offer enough money for me to eat. And I love eating. I am a poor candidate for the "ramen diet". Now "pancake and crepe diet," I may be able to get behind something along those lines.

Its like a plane ticket on standby at Christmas

Likelihood is just not so good.

Food blogs of interest

Interesting food blogs (this is mostly for myself, I promise!). The.thekitchn.com http://cannelle-vanille.blogspot.com/ http://eatlovedrink.com/ http://brokeassgourmet.com/

I finally got to take mom to see the cherry blossoms

Unsuccessful self-portrait

Slightly more successful self-portrait

Mom by the Jefferson memorial

They were just soooooo beautiful

A few more....

Kitchen knives in purses and other stupidities

I have been having a wonderful birthday. I appreciating being 28, a transition between years which is relatively easy, not a completely major adjustment. I am still young (despite the comments of a few irritating co-workers) and have a lot of time ahead to explore.

Mom flew in on Tuesday afternoon just in time for a birthday dinner. I had jokingly told Merissa and Mari I wanted Popeyes for dinner and they went overboard and took me to Nora. I admit a small group fried chicken dinner isn't exactly out of the ordinary, but Restaurant Nora maybe overboard!

For those of you familiar with Merissa's goings-ons, I will say her recent troubles make me realize what brilliant lawyer I could be if I just had the patience and the desire to sacrifice my life to argument. Doing research on a subject quickly (1-2 day period) and doing it every day is another story.

Alright, down to the headline story. Yes, I commited a complete betise and put a kitchen knife in my purse. Merissa gave it to me for my birthday Tuesday night. So when I decided to make this fabulous wild rice salad I wanted to use the new Santoku knife. Mom and I went grocery shopping nuts. Food for the century except focused on perishables (yeah fruit and veggies!). But in line to pay I reach into my purse for my Safeway card, totally forgetting the knife.

I tried to downplay how deep I thought it might be. After all, I was in a Safeway in DC. I didn't exactly want to admit I carried a big kitchen knife in my purse because I am a complete idiot. Nobody freaked out, but I did get tons of free bandaids from the store manager, who now knows who I am and thinks I am a dufus but NOT potentially homicidal (which is good, because that is the best grocery store in DC!). I kept asking the manager, really pleasantly and jokingly, for gauze or something. He kept offering bandaids or alcohol wipes. Finally we managed paper towels.

Another adventure with Malia. Good times.

A new look: in honor of Spring, cherry blossoms, and my birthday

Today it was time for a fresher look. For the blog. Also kinda thinking for me too. My hair desperately needs a cut.

All of that is external. And frankly small potatoes. I find out about school soon (hopefully Friday, more likely early next week). I have mostly given up pretending: I do have my whole heart desperately wishing for this opportunity. I have learned, slowly but surely, that padding myself from disappointment by never being emotionally engaged doesn't help save me hurt in life. It just always hurts. Because I am always disappointing myself by not reaching for the things I want. Not little want. Like seriously dreamed about my whole entire life. You know, being a medical doctor. Being disengaged emotionally is a valuable skill when used judiciously, but similar to chocolate, after a while it will just kill off your heart.

I hate "middles". Have I mentioned that before? It bears repeating. I hate that fact that a high functioning life (emotionally and physicially) is always about finding middle ground. Between cravings for sugars, for attention, for shopping sprees, for vacation, fulfillment of immediate desires versus long term gain.

I am working to love middles. Working being the key to that sentence.

Forgive me for all random pictures

Follow up to New Year's resolutions disclosures= med school interview

Ok, so I actually got an interview for med school. Virginia Tech Carilion. Its a new school (only 1 class so far) but it is provisionally accredited. I interviewed this weekend and I really, really like the faculty and the students. One of the charter class is even from UW and lived across the street from me in the 17th ave guys house (Christian guys house across the street) and graduated a year after me. How exceptionally funny is that! I know this still a long shot. But I keep hoping it is less of a long shot than I think. For all of you supporters, you have serious confidence in my awesomeness which isn't completely borne out it my application.

When I received the first rejection from GW (they interviewed 1,000 people, can you imagine?that is just insane!) I started to think that it was time to pull it together. So I started an MS project schedule of reapplying for this coming year. I think I need to pull it out and get it started. So that if I get in, good; if I don't, life won't end. After actually visiting Roanoke and the school, its really hard not to be very attached the idea of actually starting in August. I feel like the school is a really good fit for me (if not perfect). Lots of places to come up with new ideas and really cool learning style and even solid opportunities at the affiliated hospital (its a level 1 trauma center with 15 residencies). I know that I would not be the first one who has reapply for a couple of years. I just wish I could be one of the ones' who don't have to.

I am seriously thinking of making some changes though if I am not accepted on the first cut. It might be time to be drastic in my life realignment. Time to get started doing something I love.